She's orthodox and he's a non-practicing catholic so I'm obviously not as aware about their teachings or practices as far as religion goes. They're in their late 20s. They have a 2year old and have been married for 3years. He drinks obsessively and is out till 3am usually with his ';friends'; and drives home in that state.
He's rude, swears, and throws things at her and their son has begun learning temperaments and throwing things. He's constantly insulting her and says marriage is just a piece of paper. All this seems to have gotten worse when the baby was born.
I'm not an advocate for divorce at all but I do believe that marriage is about mutual love, respect and understanding and obviously a level of compatibility and priorities. I really didn't know what to suggest or how to help other than convince her to have a serious and proper talk with him, but I'm afraid even that would be hurtful to her.
What would you suggest to someone like this? She's a sweetheart and her son is just precious.
Wasalam.Neighbor's marital problems... how to give advice
In a situation like this I would talk to her alone and simply start asking her some questions . The questions being .....
#1 are you happy ?
#2 do you like the way he is treating you and acting around your son ?
#3 do you think you and your son deserve to live like this ?
#4 do you think that your son should grow up in this type of environment ?
#5 what will happen if one day he throws something and it hits your son and hurts him ? Or worse yet , what if one day he goes from throwing things to beating the hell out of you and your son .
#6 what do you think will happen if he ends up killing you one day ?
what will happen to your son then ?
Let her know that she is not alone . That there is a lot of help out there for women that are in abusive situations .
I commend you for wanting to help her and her son out . Most people wouldn't .
I do recommend that you be very careful though . It is possible that if you get too involved it could all back fire on you .
Meaning that you help her out then mysteriously her and her husband start getting along great then you become the nosy neighbor .
In a domestic situation you are always treading on thin ice .
That is why I suggested the questions . You are not directly giving her advice , you are setting the scene and making her think . And if she thinks about it then maybe she can come to the conclusion that she needs to come to . And that is to get her and her son out of there .
After asking her each question ask her to pay close attention to the answers that she says . This will allow herself to actually hear the words come straight out of her mouth and know that she has to do some thing .
Good luck and best wishes to the both of you .
Neighbor's marital problems... how to give advice
Just be there for her and remain supportive. She will address the situation when she is ready. I've found that people in situations like this often just need someone who is willing to listen. All the advice in the world will not make a difference until she reaches ';rock bottom'; in her marriage. When she gets to that point, she will act.
You can NOT fix other people. You can let her know you will be there to help her if she ever needs something. That might be what she needs to get stronger. But you might just have to wait for it to play out and then... be there for her.
here is my advice. never give advice
This is a classic domestic abuse situation. You can't do anything because she isn't going to leave. She will just keep telling you about all the horrors and then go back to it. In fact, if you give her any advice, she will tell her husband that it came from you.Then he'll target you as well. So I suggest that you avoid any conversations where she talks about her home life. You can't help this situation and could even make it worse.
you're right. marriage is about mutual respect. only issue here, is that the respect is not mutual. he is treating her like crap. she needs to have a talk with him and put her foot down about this abuse and his blatant alcholism. however, she is gonna do it when she is ready to do so. you can talk/support/etc. until the cows come home, but if she won't become empowered enough to take action, it won't matter, and you will be having the same discussions with her for the next 5 years.
another question is, why are you so involved in this? i understand that you want to help a friend, but you are tettering on a slippery slope towards codependence. the first line of your letter speaks volumes. be very careful about having the ';caretaker'; personality type. i speak on this from very personal experience. you will caretake others until it hurts. the only problem is that the only one not being taken care of here, is you, and your emotional happiness...which is being artificially boosted by ';helping'; others. remember, the biggest help that you can give someone is the ability to help themselves.
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